Fish or cut bait...

Ok, so as a parent of a child you want to take care of them, protect them, make sure they are always happy. 
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately as they grow you still want to take care of them, but the way in which you want to protect them from everything changes to protecting them from some things and your want to make sure they are always happy gets a reality check and changes to making sure they are usually happy.
Once you figure that out, then you need to figure out how to balance all of those things. Most importantly how to find that balance of when a parent steps in and when a parent watches from the sidelines. 
Protecting them has now become something that you need to not always do so they can figure out how to start protecting themselves.  Caring for them never stops, but part of that is hoping that all the unconditional love you have shown them has taught them how to also care for themselves.  That will give them the inner strength so that when they are in a situation that makes them sad, they can figure a way to work through it and deal with a stiff upper lip.  As far as making sure they are happy, well hopefully that is something that they have learned and maybe are still learning from you.  If they can make themselves happy without always having to rely on someone else, that is an amazing gift.  With these tools our kids are going to come up against situations at school or in sports where they may question is where they are the right or the wrong thing for them.  School is one of those things those tools will hopefully help them to look into their inner strength, put on a stiff upper lip, do what they need to do and eventually teachers, grades or even the school will change for them as they grow.  But they worked through it, giving their all...until they become adults or at least working teens..school should be the only thing that they should be forced to have to just get through. 
When your daughter struggles trying to find her way, and if she still fits, is she happy with where she is, that is hard. What is going on?  Is it her?  Is it others?  Am I getting the full story...or just her perception of it.
Oh my goodness...be there for her, show her love, no judgment towards her or what her perception of what is going on is...just be a sounding board and let her make decisions. There comes a point where sometimes that 11 year old, does have the insight of someone able to think clear and make decisions for herself. For that moment you think holy shit...what I am doing is working. She has been taking things in, even when I didn't think she was. 
Bottom line..I fish and I have decided, there are times that it is ok for me to cut bait and to allow her to make the decision to fish or cut bait...

Growing Up

I sit and look at my daughter sometimes...tonight we were sitting in her room and she was sitting on the floor with her back to me.  She is still so tiny I can see the ridges of her spine, her hair is long beneath her sports bra and as she moves her arms to go through her school books I see it...from this girl who is so tall and weighs next to nothing is definition. Her shoulders and upper arms...For those of you that read this you are probably thinking...AND???  Well the AND is...who the hell is this???  My baby is tiny and adorable and loves to snuggle, and from behind this girl looks like an athlete.  Yes, she is my daughter but come on people....when does this happen?  The hard part of all this is that this girl, my daughter, who I refer to as my heart on two feet, is growing into this beautiful, amazing young girl.  And because she is a girl, she is going through growing pains and one minute she is the epidomy of a teenager, and the next she wants to sit on my lap and snuggle.  I never know which one of those wonderful girls I will get. 
I am not complaining at all, but as a Mom I want to be everything all the time for my daughter, and when she is going through these stages, it is hard to feel like I am accomplishing that. We are half way through her first year of Middle School.  I am afraid to blink because then the little girl who I cradled in the crook of my leg as a baby,is going to be starting High School. 
It still amazes me how much one human being can love another. Jenna just has shown me and taught me so much.  Before I was a parent I had no idea, and so now I get it. Unless you are a parent, and not just a biological parent, adopted, foster, any parent, no one can explain this love. There is no verbage in any writing anywhere in the universe that can describe the love a parent has for a child.  We were so fortunate to have Jenna brought to our lives by an amazing girl who cared and carried her for 9 months. And yet, the bond Jenna and I have is amazing. When she was a baby, I would know right away what she needed, how she needed it.  It is still that way. I know my child like noone else...that is also something that someone who doesn't have a child would be able to truly understand.
Wow..I feel like I am all over the place tonight...but I just was so blown away by her. She amazes me every single day.  She is becoming such a little person...it makes it hard to remember that I am her Mom right now..not her friend...that will have to come later....

And the New Year Begins...

So last night was pretty fantastic.  Although I wasn't with Jenna and Eric, I was with my best friends in the whole world.  I know those of you that will read this are going to laugh your behinds off, but here goes...we cleaned out a pantry, organized it and created an inventory list.  I know you are all so completely jealous...but if you know my Bestie..you will know that last night was AMAZING for her...LOL
Anyways..along with the pantry organizing, we had some food, wine and great conversation..The kids were down and the 3 of us just sat and talked...about everything.  
In the midst of our conversation, she makes a comment to her husband that this is why girls need girlfriends.  It then hit me...it's not about girlfriends, but it is about True Friends.  Even with friends you can't always be the real you.  Other than my husband and my Mom, I don't think I have ever been able to be the real, complete me.  There is always a part of me I hold back.  I think that is because I really don't like conflict.  But last night was the first time I was able to be completely honest with them about things about me and things about them.  I love them with all my heart, but the usual me would be afraid to be honest because I wouldn't want to make someone mad or upset them.  Last night I was able to be brutally honest and I got to see how a true friend can really appreciate the truth. Sometimes it hurts, but when it comes from the heart and it is only given out of love...the receiver of the information is very appreciative.  Last night was the first time I think I have ever experienced that with a friend. 
A true friend is so very different than a friend.  When you feel comfortable enough to be the complete you..the first time it is almost like standing naked in front of a mirror. There is nowhere to hide any imperfections, anything you thought you could hide...forget it...that is what it felt like last night...take a deep breath and let it go. 
It was scary as shit, but yet once you get it out and you are not holding anything back, it really is an amazing feeling.  To really be truthful with a friend is like being truthful with yourself.  You don't walk away wishing you had said or done something different...because you did it...and your Bestie is still your Bestie. 
So if last night was any indication of what 2012 is going to hold for me..I am super excited.
I have such clarity now that I did not have before my surgery.  And I think that is also what gave me the strength to try out just being me.
The clarity conversation will be for another time...for now, I am ready, willing and able to take on this New Year and all that it may bring....Happy New Year!