Ok..so for my whole life I have had a very fake relationship with my sister. Though she will never admit it, she has hated me and my mother. My opinion is that she blames us for me being sick and mom having to focus on me. I have tried my whole life hoping she may change or come around a little bit. But she never respected me, was never nice or even cordial, and it was always worse when we were around people. She portrays this "I'm so nice" but has never treated me that way. Friends have been her priority..for as long as I can remember. Family, was secondary...at best. Mom kept telling me maybe her having her own child would bring some clarity to her life and maybe she will change...well, nope!! Never happened. Her son is now over a year old and I have still not met him. She asks me all the time to come to Boston, because apparently they can only fly when going to visit friends, but they are unable to fly to visit us. She has asked many times that I send Jenna, by herself, on a plane...Ummm...hello...not gonna happen!! She doesn't get that...she doesn't understand why I would not do that. Well, I am sorry if I have to explain it to you, then it just isn't worth it. Anyways, she came to town a couple weeks ago, for work and it was for just a couple days. I have not seen her in years, and it was worse than I thought. The stress level goes up, her treatment of me is unchanged. I had to bring her back to the hotel one night and this was not planned...it just happened, finally after all these years, I was able to look her in the eye and be honest with her. I honestly think that is because my new outlook since my surgery. Life is too short. You know, when you are little, you want to be friends with everyone, but as you get older, and wiser you think wow, that person says their my friend but all their words and actions are opposite. So then you smarten up and decide you don't want that person as a friend, or even as a part of your life. It is, in a sense, toxic. I am a very emotional person, and have not confronted her, ever, because I always thought it wasn't worth it. Everything is always about her, except if it is something wrong, then it is everyone else's fault. She told me I was dead to her son because I haven't ever met him. And I looked at her and was very honest with her and told her that I have my own family, I do not have as much time and availability as she does in her life. Why would I choose to spend what little time I had to go visit you when basically you treat me like shit. I finally said it out loud. The reason I know damn well I have never gone to see her. I work too damn hard for my money and sure as shit I am not going to spend it to put myself in that situation. Certainly not on her turf. I won't allow myself to be treated like that in front of my daughter. She thinks I talk bad about her to Jenna, but I never have and never will. Jenna makes her own decision about her. The fact is she may send a pair of Uggs or something expensive, but never took the time to come visit for her entire life. She has maybe seen her 3 or 4 times. That was a choice that she made not to form a bond with Jenna when she was little and now she is sid that she won't respond to her texts or call her. I will not speak bad about her to Jenna, but Jenna is old enough to make her own choice if she wishes to talk to Julie. It has been a couple weeks and I still replay our talk and our email over in my head, and I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I was true to myself when it comes to her. I have no regrets about what I said, and know she is my sister, but that has never really meant anything so nothing will be missed as far as that goes. I am 42 years old now, and I finally need to stop trying to please everyone and not say what is on my mind because I am afraid of hurting peoples feelings. The night we severed our relationship was the first time I have ever felt such a sense of relief....whatever will be between Jenna and her is up to Jenna...and how Julie decides how she wants to act to Jenna.
I write this because things circle my head and I have to get it out...but this isn't on facebook because it isn't about sharing..it is about just letting it out. There are a few of you that follow, so I am aware this may be read, but please understand, I wrote this for noone but me.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
9/11 Remembrance
9/11. This day left its mark on every person that witnessed it, from near or far. For me, a Navy Wife, it was HELL!
That was a very important day 11 years ago. I was to have a phone interview for a job in Indiana. Eric was leaving on a training mission. And our beautiful baby girl was just about a year and a half old. We were living in Jax, FL at the time. That morning Eric got ready and got his seabag packed, it was sad as always whenever he had to leave, but he gave us both hugs and kisses. Told us he loved us and he would see us in a couple weeks. He left and Jenna and I just played at the house and then I was getting ready for my phone interview. I got my pen and paper. Jenna went down for a nap and I turned on the tv to wait for the phone call. I couldn't believe what I saw. I thought it was a movie for a minute, so changed the channels, and it was all the same thing. So I shut off the tv and then turned it back on..HOLY SHIT!!! This is real, not a movie. What about Eric????!!! Had to keep my composure for phone interview. Not sure what I said or even how long I was on the phone, but as soon as I hung up....I freaked out!!! What the hell is going on?? Should Jenna and I go somewhere because we are close to base, is everyone being attacked?? The first person I go to when I get scared is Eric, but he headed out to sea this morning. Then I get the phone call...Hi Honey, it's me. I love you, we are being rerouted. I am not sure when I will see or talk to you again, but I love you and please give Jenna a hug and kiss for me. That was it, brief and to the point. I realized later when I was able to take a breath that every person on that ship had to make the same phone call Eric just made.
I remember sitting on the couch, cell phone in one ear, home phone in the other. Parents asking what can they do, what do I need?? I remember being hysterical and crying and saying I don't know, I don't know what is going on, I just don't know. Being in the military although you never truly think about war, it is always in the back of your head. It is what you signed up for. But I guess I never really got it. I never needed to. When we said goodbye to Eric that day, that could have very well been the last day I ever had with my best friend, my husband, and the father to my child. I hoped he wasn't worried about us. I always promised him I would always take care of things on land and he would never need to worry. If he worried about us, he couldn't be on the top of his game.
Fortunately, he was able to come home to us safe and sound. The lengths the base went to to get them home safe and the families safely on base to get them was unlike anything I have ever seen. I have never seen such big guns. It was a double edged sword to go meet him because the base was on even higher alert being that a ship was pulling in. With that and the families, it was viewed as a perfect opportunity for another attack. Thankfully, there was no issue and he came home. But as this day comes every year, and I think back to that day, I am so very grateful that we made it through, but I still find myself asking why??? I know things happen and hopefully some day we will be fortunate enough to know why, but I can honestly say I don't know what reason something so hateful and hurtful would happen to the USA. Jenna was too young to know what happened, and I hope with all that I am, Jenna never needs to experience something like that firsthand.
I can't wait for this day to be over and done...
That was a very important day 11 years ago. I was to have a phone interview for a job in Indiana. Eric was leaving on a training mission. And our beautiful baby girl was just about a year and a half old. We were living in Jax, FL at the time. That morning Eric got ready and got his seabag packed, it was sad as always whenever he had to leave, but he gave us both hugs and kisses. Told us he loved us and he would see us in a couple weeks. He left and Jenna and I just played at the house and then I was getting ready for my phone interview. I got my pen and paper. Jenna went down for a nap and I turned on the tv to wait for the phone call. I couldn't believe what I saw. I thought it was a movie for a minute, so changed the channels, and it was all the same thing. So I shut off the tv and then turned it back on..HOLY SHIT!!! This is real, not a movie. What about Eric????!!! Had to keep my composure for phone interview. Not sure what I said or even how long I was on the phone, but as soon as I hung up....I freaked out!!! What the hell is going on?? Should Jenna and I go somewhere because we are close to base, is everyone being attacked?? The first person I go to when I get scared is Eric, but he headed out to sea this morning. Then I get the phone call...Hi Honey, it's me. I love you, we are being rerouted. I am not sure when I will see or talk to you again, but I love you and please give Jenna a hug and kiss for me. That was it, brief and to the point. I realized later when I was able to take a breath that every person on that ship had to make the same phone call Eric just made.
I remember sitting on the couch, cell phone in one ear, home phone in the other. Parents asking what can they do, what do I need?? I remember being hysterical and crying and saying I don't know, I don't know what is going on, I just don't know. Being in the military although you never truly think about war, it is always in the back of your head. It is what you signed up for. But I guess I never really got it. I never needed to. When we said goodbye to Eric that day, that could have very well been the last day I ever had with my best friend, my husband, and the father to my child. I hoped he wasn't worried about us. I always promised him I would always take care of things on land and he would never need to worry. If he worried about us, he couldn't be on the top of his game.
Fortunately, he was able to come home to us safe and sound. The lengths the base went to to get them home safe and the families safely on base to get them was unlike anything I have ever seen. I have never seen such big guns. It was a double edged sword to go meet him because the base was on even higher alert being that a ship was pulling in. With that and the families, it was viewed as a perfect opportunity for another attack. Thankfully, there was no issue and he came home. But as this day comes every year, and I think back to that day, I am so very grateful that we made it through, but I still find myself asking why??? I know things happen and hopefully some day we will be fortunate enough to know why, but I can honestly say I don't know what reason something so hateful and hurtful would happen to the USA. Jenna was too young to know what happened, and I hope with all that I am, Jenna never needs to experience something like that firsthand.
I can't wait for this day to be over and done...
Monday, January 9, 2012
Fish or cut bait...
Ok, so as a parent of a child you want to take care of them, protect them, make sure they are always happy.
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately as they grow you still want to take care of them, but the way in which you want to protect them from everything changes to protecting them from some things and your want to make sure they are always happy gets a reality check and changes to making sure they are usually happy.
Once you figure that out, then you need to figure out how to balance all of those things. Most importantly how to find that balance of when a parent steps in and when a parent watches from the sidelines.
Protecting them has now become something that you need to not always do so they can figure out how to start protecting themselves. Caring for them never stops, but part of that is hoping that all the unconditional love you have shown them has taught them how to also care for themselves. That will give them the inner strength so that when they are in a situation that makes them sad, they can figure a way to work through it and deal with a stiff upper lip. As far as making sure they are happy, well hopefully that is something that they have learned and maybe are still learning from you. If they can make themselves happy without always having to rely on someone else, that is an amazing gift. With these tools our kids are going to come up against situations at school or in sports where they may question is where they are the right or the wrong thing for them. School is one of those things those tools will hopefully help them to look into their inner strength, put on a stiff upper lip, do what they need to do and eventually teachers, grades or even the school will change for them as they grow. But they worked through it, giving their all...until they become adults or at least working teens..school should be the only thing that they should be forced to have to just get through.
When your daughter struggles trying to find her way, and if she still fits, is she happy with where she is, that is hard. What is going on? Is it her? Is it others? Am I getting the full story...or just her perception of it.
Oh my goodness...be there for her, show her love, no judgment towards her or what her perception of what is going on is...just be a sounding board and let her make decisions. There comes a point where sometimes that 11 year old, does have the insight of someone able to think clear and make decisions for herself. For that moment you think holy shit...what I am doing is working. She has been taking things in, even when I didn't think she was.
Bottom line..I fish and I have decided, there are times that it is ok for me to cut bait and to allow her to make the decision to fish or cut bait...
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately as they grow you still want to take care of them, but the way in which you want to protect them from everything changes to protecting them from some things and your want to make sure they are always happy gets a reality check and changes to making sure they are usually happy.
Once you figure that out, then you need to figure out how to balance all of those things. Most importantly how to find that balance of when a parent steps in and when a parent watches from the sidelines.
Protecting them has now become something that you need to not always do so they can figure out how to start protecting themselves. Caring for them never stops, but part of that is hoping that all the unconditional love you have shown them has taught them how to also care for themselves. That will give them the inner strength so that when they are in a situation that makes them sad, they can figure a way to work through it and deal with a stiff upper lip. As far as making sure they are happy, well hopefully that is something that they have learned and maybe are still learning from you. If they can make themselves happy without always having to rely on someone else, that is an amazing gift. With these tools our kids are going to come up against situations at school or in sports where they may question is where they are the right or the wrong thing for them. School is one of those things those tools will hopefully help them to look into their inner strength, put on a stiff upper lip, do what they need to do and eventually teachers, grades or even the school will change for them as they grow. But they worked through it, giving their all...until they become adults or at least working teens..school should be the only thing that they should be forced to have to just get through.
When your daughter struggles trying to find her way, and if she still fits, is she happy with where she is, that is hard. What is going on? Is it her? Is it others? Am I getting the full story...or just her perception of it.
Oh my goodness...be there for her, show her love, no judgment towards her or what her perception of what is going on is...just be a sounding board and let her make decisions. There comes a point where sometimes that 11 year old, does have the insight of someone able to think clear and make decisions for herself. For that moment you think holy shit...what I am doing is working. She has been taking things in, even when I didn't think she was.
Bottom line..I fish and I have decided, there are times that it is ok for me to cut bait and to allow her to make the decision to fish or cut bait...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Growing Up
I sit and look at my daughter sometimes...tonight we were sitting in her room and she was sitting on the floor with her back to me. She is still so tiny I can see the ridges of her spine, her hair is long beneath her sports bra and as she moves her arms to go through her school books I see it...from this girl who is so tall and weighs next to nothing is definition. Her shoulders and upper arms...For those of you that read this you are probably thinking...AND??? Well the AND is...who the hell is this??? My baby is tiny and adorable and loves to snuggle, and from behind this girl looks like an athlete. Yes, she is my daughter but come on people....when does this happen? The hard part of all this is that this girl, my daughter, who I refer to as my heart on two feet, is growing into this beautiful, amazing young girl. And because she is a girl, she is going through growing pains and one minute she is the epidomy of a teenager, and the next she wants to sit on my lap and snuggle. I never know which one of those wonderful girls I will get.
I am not complaining at all, but as a Mom I want to be everything all the time for my daughter, and when she is going through these stages, it is hard to feel like I am accomplishing that. We are half way through her first year of Middle School. I am afraid to blink because then the little girl who I cradled in the crook of my leg as a baby,is going to be starting High School.
It still amazes me how much one human being can love another. Jenna just has shown me and taught me so much. Before I was a parent I had no idea, and so now I get it. Unless you are a parent, and not just a biological parent, adopted, foster, any parent, no one can explain this love. There is no verbage in any writing anywhere in the universe that can describe the love a parent has for a child. We were so fortunate to have Jenna brought to our lives by an amazing girl who cared and carried her for 9 months. And yet, the bond Jenna and I have is amazing. When she was a baby, I would know right away what she needed, how she needed it. It is still that way. I know my child like noone else...that is also something that someone who doesn't have a child would be able to truly understand.
Wow..I feel like I am all over the place tonight...but I just was so blown away by her. She amazes me every single day. She is becoming such a little person...it makes it hard to remember that I am her Mom right now..not her friend...that will have to come later....
I am not complaining at all, but as a Mom I want to be everything all the time for my daughter, and when she is going through these stages, it is hard to feel like I am accomplishing that. We are half way through her first year of Middle School. I am afraid to blink because then the little girl who I cradled in the crook of my leg as a baby,is going to be starting High School.
It still amazes me how much one human being can love another. Jenna just has shown me and taught me so much. Before I was a parent I had no idea, and so now I get it. Unless you are a parent, and not just a biological parent, adopted, foster, any parent, no one can explain this love. There is no verbage in any writing anywhere in the universe that can describe the love a parent has for a child. We were so fortunate to have Jenna brought to our lives by an amazing girl who cared and carried her for 9 months. And yet, the bond Jenna and I have is amazing. When she was a baby, I would know right away what she needed, how she needed it. It is still that way. I know my child like noone else...that is also something that someone who doesn't have a child would be able to truly understand.
Wow..I feel like I am all over the place tonight...but I just was so blown away by her. She amazes me every single day. She is becoming such a little person...it makes it hard to remember that I am her Mom right now..not her friend...that will have to come later....
Sunday, January 1, 2012
And the New Year Begins...
So last night was pretty fantastic. Although I wasn't with Jenna and Eric, I was with my best friends in the whole world. I know those of you that will read this are going to laugh your behinds off, but here goes...we cleaned out a pantry, organized it and created an inventory list. I know you are all so completely jealous...but if you know my Bestie..you will know that last night was AMAZING for her...LOL
Anyways..along with the pantry organizing, we had some food, wine and great conversation..The kids were down and the 3 of us just sat and talked...about everything.
In the midst of our conversation, she makes a comment to her husband that this is why girls need girlfriends. It then hit me...it's not about girlfriends, but it is about True Friends. Even with friends you can't always be the real you. Other than my husband and my Mom, I don't think I have ever been able to be the real, complete me. There is always a part of me I hold back. I think that is because I really don't like conflict. But last night was the first time I was able to be completely honest with them about things about me and things about them. I love them with all my heart, but the usual me would be afraid to be honest because I wouldn't want to make someone mad or upset them. Last night I was able to be brutally honest and I got to see how a true friend can really appreciate the truth. Sometimes it hurts, but when it comes from the heart and it is only given out of love...the receiver of the information is very appreciative. Last night was the first time I think I have ever experienced that with a friend.
A true friend is so very different than a friend. When you feel comfortable enough to be the complete you..the first time it is almost like standing naked in front of a mirror. There is nowhere to hide any imperfections, anything you thought you could hide...forget it...that is what it felt like last night...take a deep breath and let it go.
It was scary as shit, but yet once you get it out and you are not holding anything back, it really is an amazing feeling. To really be truthful with a friend is like being truthful with yourself. You don't walk away wishing you had said or done something different...because you did it...and your Bestie is still your Bestie.
So if last night was any indication of what 2012 is going to hold for me..I am super excited.
I have such clarity now that I did not have before my surgery. And I think that is also what gave me the strength to try out just being me.
The clarity conversation will be for another time...for now, I am ready, willing and able to take on this New Year and all that it may bring....Happy New Year!
Anyways..along with the pantry organizing, we had some food, wine and great conversation..The kids were down and the 3 of us just sat and talked...about everything.
In the midst of our conversation, she makes a comment to her husband that this is why girls need girlfriends. It then hit me...it's not about girlfriends, but it is about True Friends. Even with friends you can't always be the real you. Other than my husband and my Mom, I don't think I have ever been able to be the real, complete me. There is always a part of me I hold back. I think that is because I really don't like conflict. But last night was the first time I was able to be completely honest with them about things about me and things about them. I love them with all my heart, but the usual me would be afraid to be honest because I wouldn't want to make someone mad or upset them. Last night I was able to be brutally honest and I got to see how a true friend can really appreciate the truth. Sometimes it hurts, but when it comes from the heart and it is only given out of love...the receiver of the information is very appreciative. Last night was the first time I think I have ever experienced that with a friend.
A true friend is so very different than a friend. When you feel comfortable enough to be the complete you..the first time it is almost like standing naked in front of a mirror. There is nowhere to hide any imperfections, anything you thought you could hide...forget it...that is what it felt like last night...take a deep breath and let it go.
It was scary as shit, but yet once you get it out and you are not holding anything back, it really is an amazing feeling. To really be truthful with a friend is like being truthful with yourself. You don't walk away wishing you had said or done something different...because you did it...and your Bestie is still your Bestie.
So if last night was any indication of what 2012 is going to hold for me..I am super excited.
I have such clarity now that I did not have before my surgery. And I think that is also what gave me the strength to try out just being me.
The clarity conversation will be for another time...for now, I am ready, willing and able to take on this New Year and all that it may bring....Happy New Year!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
My first attempt at a blog....
I have never done a blog before, but have thought about it for a while. I don't necessarily think me or my life is that interesting, but I do enjoy writing. So I thought this may be cool for me. Sort of like an online journal.
I am a Mom of a beautiful daughter, wife to an amazing husband, daughter to the best woman that ever walked the face of the earth, and a friend to some truly amazing people.
What did I think my life would be like??? Hmmm..people ask you when your younger what do you want to do with your life and where do you see yourself in 5 years. As a child I was always very sick. I never really thought that I would have a life. That in itself would be a blog of all blogs, so I am just going to leave it at that, but say that I never expected that I would be a Mom. I was told I would not be able to have children because I was so sick as a child and my body had gone through too much. But in the year 2000 I was blessed with the most amazing gift...a beautiful baby girl. From the second I heard her heart beat, I new she was my beautiful baby girl. The girl that carried her and kept her safe for 9 months and then allowed her to be ours was the most amazing girl. All of 18 years old, but yet so wise and so in love with the baby that she was carrying wanted more for her then she could give. That girl and this baby changed my life forever...My daughter is now 11 and I still look at her and think every day how so very lucky we are that she came into our life. I call her my heart on 2 feet because that is what she is. Without her I wouldn't be able to breathe...She is my everything.
But with all the love I have for her, we are now hedging the teenage years...and it is scary and frustrating and aggravating and exciting...Now I am really worrying about how to help her be the most amazing, kind, loving person she could ever be. My mother taught me unconditional love. My daughter has that, she knows that I always love her, I may not like her all the time...but I always love her. I have learned that as a parent not only do you teach your child, but your child has an ability to teach you...if you let them. She has taught me so many things, but the most important thing that she has taught me is that there is no such thing as a bad kid. There are only bad choices. Learning that was huge for me. SOOO...I now try to do my best to help her make good choices.
With 2011 getting ready to be gone and 2012 standing at the doorstep I hope for health and happiness, of course. But, I also hope for strength and guidance to help me be a good Mom and someone my daughter can still confide in, snuggle with, and even get aggravated with. That will assure me that I am focusing more on being her Mom then her friend...
I am a Mom of a beautiful daughter, wife to an amazing husband, daughter to the best woman that ever walked the face of the earth, and a friend to some truly amazing people.
What did I think my life would be like??? Hmmm..people ask you when your younger what do you want to do with your life and where do you see yourself in 5 years. As a child I was always very sick. I never really thought that I would have a life. That in itself would be a blog of all blogs, so I am just going to leave it at that, but say that I never expected that I would be a Mom. I was told I would not be able to have children because I was so sick as a child and my body had gone through too much. But in the year 2000 I was blessed with the most amazing gift...a beautiful baby girl. From the second I heard her heart beat, I new she was my beautiful baby girl. The girl that carried her and kept her safe for 9 months and then allowed her to be ours was the most amazing girl. All of 18 years old, but yet so wise and so in love with the baby that she was carrying wanted more for her then she could give. That girl and this baby changed my life forever...My daughter is now 11 and I still look at her and think every day how so very lucky we are that she came into our life. I call her my heart on 2 feet because that is what she is. Without her I wouldn't be able to breathe...She is my everything.
But with all the love I have for her, we are now hedging the teenage years...and it is scary and frustrating and aggravating and exciting...Now I am really worrying about how to help her be the most amazing, kind, loving person she could ever be. My mother taught me unconditional love. My daughter has that, she knows that I always love her, I may not like her all the time...but I always love her. I have learned that as a parent not only do you teach your child, but your child has an ability to teach you...if you let them. She has taught me so many things, but the most important thing that she has taught me is that there is no such thing as a bad kid. There are only bad choices. Learning that was huge for me. SOOO...I now try to do my best to help her make good choices.
With 2011 getting ready to be gone and 2012 standing at the doorstep I hope for health and happiness, of course. But, I also hope for strength and guidance to help me be a good Mom and someone my daughter can still confide in, snuggle with, and even get aggravated with. That will assure me that I am focusing more on being her Mom then her friend...
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